Train Etiquette

After over five months of discomfort, delays and debris on the line, I am now officially entitled to a Commuter Promotion. Watch out London; I've gained my blackbelt and have entered the heavyweight category. But as we all know, with promotion comes responsibility. Which is why I am now passing on my pearls of tube-riding wisdom to the more amateur contenders.

After my months of experience, I have now perfected the art of identifying a new commuter in under 2 minutes flat. Such an individual is easily distinguishable to even the untrained eye, for being the person that everyone else in the carriage is scowling at. As one of the more hardened tube-riders, I feel it is my duty to save our newcomers from this uncomfortable fate, by offering up basic train etiquette to aid their camouflage. So here they are, my Top 10 Tips Towards Total Train Etiquette:

1. Talking on the train is frowned upon. As a general rule, don’t do it. But if you must, please ensure that your conversation is audible enough for those with duller lives to eavesdrop.

2. Under no circumstances are you to start a conversation with a stranger, unless fate has joined you together by life-threatening circumstances or mutual suppressed laughter at somebody falling over.

3. Always let passengers off the train before embarking. Appropriate practice for this is to stand close to the train on either side of the open doors, thus allowing riders to exit through the centre. If you do not abide by this rule, you have no grounds on which to convict a person for unintentional trampling or a handbag to the face.

4. Leave the carriage exactly as you found it. If you need to open the door to enter the train, it is imperative that you close it again once you have done so. This is particularly important in the Winter months, when a door left open for longer than 32 seconds can cause shaking, frostbite, hypothermia, or all of the above.

5. Know the traffic congestion at your stop. At stations such as Wimbledon, Earls Court or Victoria, where tube lines cross, around 95% of the carriage will be getting off. DO NOT try to anticipate this by pushing your way to the doors before the train has stopped. Wait patiently and silently until the herd begins to move. Don’t worry, you will get off.

6. Accept the fact that some people will happily lodge themselves in between closing doors in order to catch the train. These people are to be congratulated, not questioned.

7. Contrary to instructions signposted around the station, DON’T take your newspaper with you when you leave the train. Place it neatly on the seat behind you, so that somebody else can educate themselves about the best locations for celebrity-spotting.

8. Some women need to do their make up on the train. Accept this. Don’t stare and don’t judge - at least until you have tried applying lip liner at 120mph with a hand-held mirror and someone’s coat sleeve in your face.

9. It is incredibly bad manners to eat a steaming hot, mince meat pasty next to a fellow commuter who does not have one. Especially female riders who are enduring a post-Christmas diet. These women can usually be identified by behaviors such as salivating, biting their bottom lip, or making barely-audible whimpering sounds.

10. Any man who sits in a newly-vacated seat without offering it to a woman first, should be glared at poignantly until he realises the error of his ways.